What does this button do??......Uh-Oh.

OK..
My efforts to befriend technology seems to be raping me back.Dear Blogger,why are you making things so difficult for me?Why is my blog layout just so messed up?

Peeps,this site has been and still is under desperate construction.Sheesh,there are so many blogs in my dashboard that are just rotting away.Cleaning out the shelves here on Blogger is another thing I'm adding to the Things-to-do-after-school-officially-ends list...which I must add,is quite a list.You have no idea how badly I want to blog right now.But time and work seems to be winning in this tug of war...aaah..going..going..gone.





Sigh.

Switch off the lights,please.

I hate that I have lost my zest for life.I hate that it sucks the life out of me to move from one day to the next.I hate that I feel so empty and yet so heavy at the same time.I hate not being able to write.I hate that I cant think straight.I hate that I cant hear the reel of words in my head anymore.Now,all I can hear is this disturbing noise or a rankling undertone like static on television.I hate the static.I hate not knowing whats wrong with me.I hate that I cant tell you whats wrong.I hate that I have no one to talk to,no one to fall back into.I hate feeling so debased in comparison to the people around me.I hate having such a downtrodden self-esteem with a mammoth of an ego to clash with.There's a difference between the two,you know.
I hate that I don't even have the want to call someone.I hate feel so bloody sorry for myself.I hate feeling lonely in a room full of people.I hate that I have noone to hold my hand,hug me and tell me everything,no matter how fucked up it seems now,will eventually turn out just fine.I hate not being that little girl who got excited over swings and water balloons.Now,the only rush I get is that of blood jolting to my head when a sharp surfaces impulse against some part of my body(by accident,in most cases).I hate looking at my reflection and seeing what I've become.I hate that I feel so ugly,worthless and insecure right to the core.I hate that I can never make my family proud.I'll only disappoint and fall short, embarrassingly so.I hate that the people who are supposed to matter cant sense the intensity of my screams.I hate that I'm screaming into sheer nothingness.I hate that I cant stand up for myself.I hate this charade that I'm a part of
I hate that I can't fix this.





There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
Its beyond repair.Its in a million little pieces.

One is a lonely number,you say?

This is a letter to myself as a future 20 year old.


Dear Twenty-year old me,
My,You've grown into a fine young lady,haven't you?I sit here,your 16 year old self propped up in bed on a soft warm night.Yeah right.Actually,at this very moment,I'm trying my hardest to tolerate these awful tummy cramps which I hope you don't get anymore(Please tell me you don't!)Anyway,I don't feel too great now and I spend a large fraction of my time wishing things are easier in your world.

Life now,its not so bad actually.But I'm still wearing my smog-tinted glasses so you must know how things are.Your lethargy is killing me!I sleep excessively now.Because its only then that I don't have to deal with humans and their shenanigans.Its like being dead for a short while...Being awake makes me see people.And all I see is ugly people.And by ugly,I mean their souls.I know i know,who am I to judge.:)But you're me and I know you get me more than anyone.I've always wanted time to just whiz by me but I'm not so sure anymore.There's just so much to do and with the way things are going,24 hours is too little to call it a day.I feel so incapable and exhausted all the time.The lack of motivation in my life is bothering me but I tell myself it doesn't.Its this huge elephant in my drawing room that I'm so desperate to avoid noticing and pretend like I'm living in vacuum.I know I'm taking my youth and energy for granted.There's so much I can do,but I'd rather squirm under my blanket and sleep.Like I'm dead.Its a lot more easier.

There are just so many questions.How long is your hair?Have you finally decided on your tattoo?Or did you get it already?!Where?!Is college everything you dreamt it would be?

But most importantly,are you getting closer to the person you've always wanted to be?You'll get there,don't you worry.Don't let yourself sink into ever thinking you wont.Your life is yours to play with.Your family loves you,you've got your head well on your shoulders and you're not dying of cancer(yet-haha).Things will only get better,right?I will get past this phase,right?I'll make it out of this in good shape,wont I?Although,noone beats me at bringing your self esteem to a painful low,I
m also your best believer.So sink your teeth into evry opportunity and the brutual homosapiens in your way?Ask them to suck it.I've never told you this before because I thought you knew.You are one amazing woman.Knowing you,you're bound to forget it along the way.Just try not to take it as harsh and yes,I love you.

Love,
Me.

Honestly,you wanna know?

“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

Thanks Sia.:)
And it says,the rules are as follows.
a) Show off your honesty(and modesty) by thanking the person who gave you the award and link to their post.
b) List 10 honest things about yourself. Cheating makes you lame, so just play along, all you taggees.
c) Select 7 other bloggers you think deserve this award and pass it on to them.
d) Notify said bloggers about the award and invite them to be the honest ones next.




Alrighty..here,goes.



1.When,I'm put on the spot,such as now,I cant think.

2.I'm considering deleting my blog.Reasons includes that most people who read this know me in real life and i dont want you knowing me this way,my wanting to stay away from the internet as much as I can and also because it seems like im just here for the heck of it-writing something out of nothing is not my style.

3.Maybe its the spoilt little girl in me,but I absolutely hate sharing my stuff.Either its all mine or its not.No,I don't want to share this chocolate bar with you.But I do,anyway,because I'm incapable of saying NO.I don't like sharing my room,i dont like sharing my clothes,i don't like sharing my friends.sharing sharing SHARING MAKES ME MAD.It makes me want to throw tantrums like Fuzzy Lumpkins on Power Puff Girls and go all,"GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!"..


Wouldn't it be simply wonderful if you could erect an electric fence around your things?Its just ridiculous how much of over-sharing I have to do most of the time.I don't care if this isn't normal.I don't like being the sharee either.Either,its all yours or its all mine.
MINE.MINE.MINE.

4.Call me a misanthropist,but I'm disgusted with the human species.Sometimes,i wish they all died and Mike and I were the only two alive.Mike is my 7 month-old boxer,by the way.And I believe we should all have been brought up with this cynical point of view.Screw Disney and its happy endings.They're jsut giving children unrealistic ideals from a very young age, so that when those ideals aren't met, they grow up to be resentful and bitter. Everything should be sharp and painful. I think that Disney movies should all end with everyone dying in them for a change. If stupid little kids cry about it, TOUGH. The world doesn't need another tree hugging sissy-marie. I think Disney should make a movie where the group of kids from "The Sound of Music" go on a field trip and get in a car wreck in which they all die.The End. That's how life is sometimes. Everyone dies. That's what kids should learn. Not that they can be a stereotypical little arab peasant boy that can acquire all gold in the world, a kingdom and a princess.
I hate people.

4.I cant choose between things.A question like,'Swathi,do you want to eat from this place or that place?' is enough to turn my brains into goo.Don't even ask about on deciding on what clothes to wear!

5.I use the word 'hate' too much.I worry I'm going to die a lonely person.I just can't seem to see the good in things.There's always a smudge in the picture.Lets hope this is a phase that will soon pass.

6.I'm petrified of lizards.Its not really phobia,its just utter disgust.I saw two lizards on top of each other once and I think they were intercoursing.I have been scarred for life.

7.I believe in a creator,but not in religion and worship.

8.I say I never want to have kids because they're just a waste of resources and time.But,I secretly dream of being a mother who sings her baby to sleep,kisses his bruises and all that.Now,its not a secret anymore.

9.I wish my mom and I were closer.I am jealous of girls who tell their mothers everything.I love my mother,but sigh..sometimes she just doesn't get me.

10.I am in love.And at 16,that seems to be the only honest thing in my life.









There.Now,that wasn't easy.Honesty.Eeek!

Now,I'm not sure how the whole tagging this works and I'm not bothered enough to figure out how .So,lets just say this is an open invitation to everyone reading.
Tag,you're it.
:)

The bathroom mirror talks.

If we could talk,you humans would be in TROUBLE.We'd be such awful snitches that you'd wish we were never born(invented).Then again,you can't live without us mirrors,can you?
:)
"She may be the the popular girl in school,but her oral hygiene sucks.With bad breath like that,even Satan would run away."
"The boss reads Playboy on the potty!"
"He fancies his best friend's girl"
He does a Popeye impersonation everyday for 10 minutes straight.You'd think he would know better at age,55."
"He wears his girlfriend's bra"
"She hides alcohol in the flush tank."
"they've been here and done thaaaaaat".
It's a pity we cant talk.Call it your luck.We know what the truth looks like and trust me when I say,What you see is NEVER,ever what you get.

Big secrets.Small secrets.Blah secrets.Terrible secrets.Predictable secrets.OMFG,NOWAY-secrets.Awww-secrets.We know em all.
"He finally asked her out.She just told me.Aww,they're gonna be so happy together."
"They leave love-notes on me".
"The brush together in front of us,elbowing each other,playfully,for space,giggling"
Call me sappy,but I love secrets like that...."Her husband takes off her makeup for her"..AWWWwwww.:)
"Hes so sweet.He even smiles when he brushes his teeth."
Small girls pray in front of me asking God to make them pretty.Big girls curse me for that new zit that popped up.Then,the snide secrets.
"You should see her without makeup.HIDEOUS.."
"The bully at school cries in the loo,as well.Just like everyone else."
"She doesn't want this baby.and he's so excited.He has no idea that its not even his."
"she opens the drug pouch everday,staring at its contents,struggling to stay clean".
"She stares at me pulling her hips,saying 'IM SO FAT'.."
"She considers slitting her wrists everday."
..Its amazing how people just let go of themselves in front of us.Heck,even nuns strip in front of us!Oscar/grammy/Acadamy award/nation awards/booker prize/nobel prize/Miss Universe acceptance speeches.Rock concerts with shampoo bottles instead of mikes.AND don't even get me started on the narcissists who can't get enough of taking their own photos in front of us.. ooooh..OOOH..AND of course,THE PROPOSALS!!!!!..'will you marry me..correction..will you please marry me..???.tch..I cant imagine a life without me,so marry me..'So many dreams,all laid before us.



Some of us see pretty much the whole of a person's life.We're in a long term-relationship with you,humans.Happy bathroom mirrors,sad bathroom mirrors,pervy bathroom mirrors,holier-than-thou bathroom mirrors,suicidal bathroom mirrors,cracked bathroom mirrors.I am the reflection of who you truly are.our strengths, your weaknesses, your happiness, your sadness, you dreams, your worries, your insecurities, your true beauty, your heartbreaks. We see it all. Lipstick and kisses. Aftershave and nicked necks. Tight underwear and cellulite. Happy tears and bitter tears. Being taken for granted and being cherished. Frustration and prayers. Sometimes a little too much than desired. Like leaning over and popping zits in our faces (for the record, I hate that) and checking for breast cancer(um.CREEPY.)

Its very well we don't speak.Its a good thing we can't tell on you.Things are bad enough the way they are.

Leave my door open a crack...

She places her palm against the frosted window staring straight ahead,thinking of absolute nothing-ness.A Pajero cruises past the murky rain water splashing her door-step.Curse you,Bastard.


She feels the cool water running down the pane as her right palm makes an imprint of itself against the glass,and thinks of a memory.A smile grows on her face as the lad in her mind,splashes around,blissfully unaware.A boy she wishes would be blissfully unaware now...when she wants him to be,most.She thought things would never change between her and him.The boy she once thought she would grow to love.But they were still friends,right?That counts,right?She wants things to be normal.She thinks she should write him a letter.Clear things out.She wanted at least the friend in him,back.But something pulls her back.Maybe she has her pride too.Or,maybe she doesn't really need to.She doesn't know the answer.Heck,she didn't even know the question.Aaah,She couldn't care less.

A slamming door breaks through her reverie,followed by a gust of wind.She walks up to the next room and shuts close the window.

Its really cold tonight, she thinks.She hugs her knees to feel warm. And her inner eye sparkles at yet another memory, when they had first kissed. Her and him. It wasn't perfect but it was definitely something that she'd never forget. It wasn't something she had expected and that made it all the more special..

She should call him.Just for fun.Talk.But she doesn't and she knows why.
She believes things happen for a reason.She doesn't like to question.

Things are different,now.No matter, how much she tries fitting the square into the circle, things weren't getting back to normal between them...Uncomplicated and no reason for explanations.

Hmmm,its stopped raining,she thinks.

She opens the window once more.

And then, like the clarity of a sky after the rain, the inky azure that seems to have been washed and cleansed completely, she realizes that some things will never change, whether good or bad. They shall always remain with her in heart and mind. Its just sometimes, on occasion, perhaps on a rainy day like today that a gift of a memory would bless her with a smile

She hastily opens her drawer, looking for something. Her fingers close in on a bottle of nail-paint. She paints her nails a fiery red.











*No reference to any person,living or dead.Any resemblances are purely coincidental.
:)

A little too well.

She could feel it blazing within her.The way her voice broke a little and went an octave higher.The way hot blood flushed to her cheeks.The way the forced-back tears were blurring her vision.The way she could feel herself trembling,trying with all her might to keep her shoulders straight...She knew it all a little too well.She blinked back tears.I will not cry..She wouldn't give in.Not for this.Not again.She tried distracting herself.She didn't need to hear this anymore.Not again.Think happy thoughts.She thought of the lonely yellow crayon in her drawer-the one thats been in the very same place for years,she thought about bubbles and balloons.Polar bears.The way he called her 'loser girlfriend' and smiled her favorite smile.Ice cold Pepsi,her feet buried in the sand with just her toes sticking out,thunderstorms.Her dog's eyes which looked like a bottomless well of melted chocolate.The way how everything felt so easy around Barbie and Polka with 'fireflies' playing in the background.
No,Happy thoughts didn't work.They never did.She should know by now.I will not cry.But she did.Like every other time.This wasn't new.It was like a re-run of one worn-out episode of Gray's Anatomy.She ran her eyes across the tablecloth.The blotted ink seeped between the cloth fibres.There,she saw it.Just like every other time.Its funny how all of a sudden even the mutest of all things,such as the table cloth,have thier own story to tell.Maybe the tablecloth could tell you my story too.After all,its been a part of the episode-a silent spectator,hardly noticed but very much there.
But her trail of thoughts finally came down to this.The ingress of the admittance of defeat.One big fat drop of salty emotions landed on the plate.Great,I've done it again.The tear followed by another one in no time.Then,another.and another.Soon enough,she was a mess.A helpless smile tinted the pallor in her face as she silently made the same old promise.

I will not cry the next time.



The way she wanted to write about it.She knew it all a little too well.

Is she for real?

Can you believe Mayawati?The woman's antics make the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and every other public weirdo as mundane as a hamster on its wheel. :P How she gets away with it is beyond me. I mean, is sycophancy that strong a force in the Indian psyche? Just when i was beginning to get used to the idea of her garland made of carefully crafted currency and her party's (party is a great word. But it think CIRCUS would be far more appropriate a word considering the clowns in it) so-called defiance to the muchly-envious opposition who is making such a big deal (so-unreasonably-really-now?) of it by the self-diktat that they henceforth, will only offer currency garlands, she goes and makes another beee-g issue.

It's not her. It's us. How can we possibly condone this? Our country is supposed to be, despite popular belief - despite the rat worshipping, despite our legacy of superstition, despite hundred other despites, a nation of rational human beings. How on earth do we just read about the crazy slash ridiculously extravagant slash obviously corrupt slash crazy all over again slash no-way-in-hell-could-she-be-affording-to-do-this-honestly things in magazine and just flip the page and go on to the next story! How does the establishment explain this? How low are her "wellwishers" willing to sink? Whatever. All that being said, I think she's more news worthy than all the denizens of the page three universe put together.
..AND MY DAD THINKS I SHOULD STOP SKIPPING ALL THE POLITICAL NEWS IN THE PAPER(WHICH MEANS I DONT NEED TO INVEST TIME FOR NEWSPAPER-READING.I get it done with a snap of a finger.BECAUSE THE PAPERS ALL HAVE SOME CONTRACT WITH THESE MONKEYSHINES TO COVER EVRY SINGLE INCH OF THE PRINT IN HONOUR OF THEM..ASTOUNDING.


ok,breathe.


This is why I stay away from politics.The dirt disgusts and angers me.

Look who found her way back to blogtown.

There are bad mood days and there are bad hair days but the worst of them,by far, are bad pen days.
Nope,writer's block isn't to be blamed for the obvious waning of my blogging activities.
I just didn't WANT to blog.I thought I was losing myself here..How much revealing of your thoughts and emotions is 'too much' revealing??I thought I crossed that thin line.People who read my blog and know the real Swathi and not just Blogger Swathi,got to conclusions that I am seriously deluded.
I didn't like my blog being talked about in real life.I didn't want people to think of the things I write here when I'm talking to them.That Swathi and Blogger Swathi are two different people.
Blogger Swathi says it as it is.Swathi keeps it all clogged up inside and finally needs to throw up,making a mess of things.:D
Well,it used to be that way till Blogger Swathi started to creep into Swathi.Swathi's now trying to master the balancing act and she's getting there.Slowly,but palpably.


Anyhoo,Blogger Swathi was making the inside story a little too 'out there'-making her look like an attention whore.That was the inital reason why I decided to give blogging a break.Then,came the antagonizing fact that I couldn't write with happy thoughts.WHAT IS THAT?It was almost as if the blog was yelling out to me-'BE SAD AND YOU MAY WRITE THEN.'I've lost count of the many times I came to this place with things to say but just felt my fingers stagnant on the keyboard.One time I came up with something as asinine as :
My new favorite colour is Purple..."

Nothing beyond that.

:|
Then someone came along and reminded me that when I look back on this blog,I want it to reflect my life.I don't want to find nothing but sad stories here.The blog deserves to echo the happier side of my life as well.Also,I wanted to be back badly because I liked the alter-ego i created for myself here.I like the way she writes-no fancy words that make you go google them immediately.Nothing much to brag about but atleast the song's mine.:)

How scattery am I being here?Do I make any sense?AT ALL?I haven't lost it.Its just a little eerie to be back with still nothing to say but the impelling urge to write.Now,do I sound like I'm desperately trying to write something which is turning out to be less than mundane?
:D.Well,you know what?If that's what you think,I DON'T CARE.My blog.My rules.Let me be presumptuous to think that you might actually be interested in what I have to say.And that you might be interested enough to follow my 'going in circles' trail of thoughts.You should know by now that I have this affliction of clutching my heart in my fist.So,If a little drama makes you cringe,you've got the wrong URL up there,honey.
:)

Lets see how this works.









P.S : My new favorite colour is Purple.And its been 4 months. ;)

The sunshine is trapped between the clouds and now I cant see it.

You know those days when you feel the wind in your face and you think nothing can break you?Well,I feel the complete opposite of that today.Honesty and Individuality,I really value,but somehow I cant help thinking-Whats the point,anyway?..Its a man-eat-man world.You just cant brush past the conning wolves of this world to go there and make your mark,by sticking to your ethics.Its just so difficult to see the good in things,to move and be pleasant about things especially when your mind is clearly stagnant in troubled waters...I do try,but having a memory that is slightly better than people around you does not help.There's this constant nagging inside me that says everyone's just out there to get me and things just start eating me up inside,making me crash wrecklesly bakward.It makes me feel bad and disappointed and the next minute,I'm like an excited 6 year old who just saw a whale.The smallest of things(the rickshaw driver who smiles when I say thank-you,crayons,Polka's wriggly dance,the sight of my neighbor's dog's nose under his gate) make me reach such a high that i forget why i was down in the dumps in the first place.
I don't like being on two extreme ends all the time.its either all the negativity that kills me or the the extreme high i get out of things.This thing,whatever it is,is seeping inside my system corrupting my thinking and leaving me half-dead in the process.
Its also difficult to write all this without sounding emo.I must sound pretty pathetic now.But,writing is therapeutic.It cleanses my mind atleast for a teeny while,but sometimes the hurt just lies there stuck in those hard-to-reach nooks and crannies until the sharp and clever point of a toothpick comes along and pokes out the tiny annoying sliver of something wedged between your teeth!
And you know whats weird?Even though I may come across as a crazy,stressed,bi-polaric wreck of a maniac,there lies underneath a strong independent girl who is at a crossroad in her life right now.


:)