Switch off the lights,please.

I hate that I have lost my zest for life.I hate that it sucks the life out of me to move from one day to the next.I hate that I feel so empty and yet so heavy at the same time.I hate not being able to write.I hate that I cant think straight.I hate that I cant hear the reel of words in my head anymore.Now,all I can hear is this disturbing noise or a rankling undertone like static on television.I hate the static.I hate not knowing whats wrong with me.I hate that I cant tell you whats wrong.I hate that I have no one to talk to,no one to fall back into.I hate feeling so debased in comparison to the people around me.I hate having such a downtrodden self-esteem with a mammoth of an ego to clash with.There's a difference between the two,you know.
I hate that I don't even have the want to call someone.I hate feel so bloody sorry for myself.I hate feeling lonely in a room full of people.I hate that I have noone to hold my hand,hug me and tell me everything,no matter how fucked up it seems now,will eventually turn out just fine.I hate not being that little girl who got excited over swings and water balloons.Now,the only rush I get is that of blood jolting to my head when a sharp surfaces impulse against some part of my body(by accident,in most cases).I hate looking at my reflection and seeing what I've become.I hate that I feel so ugly,worthless and insecure right to the core.I hate that I can never make my family proud.I'll only disappoint and fall short, embarrassingly so.I hate that the people who are supposed to matter cant sense the intensity of my screams.I hate that I'm screaming into sheer nothingness.I hate that I cant stand up for myself.I hate this charade that I'm a part of
I hate that I can't fix this.





There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
Its beyond repair.Its in a million little pieces.

One is a lonely number,you say?

This is a letter to myself as a future 20 year old.


Dear Twenty-year old me,
My,You've grown into a fine young lady,haven't you?I sit here,your 16 year old self propped up in bed on a soft warm night.Yeah right.Actually,at this very moment,I'm trying my hardest to tolerate these awful tummy cramps which I hope you don't get anymore(Please tell me you don't!)Anyway,I don't feel too great now and I spend a large fraction of my time wishing things are easier in your world.

Life now,its not so bad actually.But I'm still wearing my smog-tinted glasses so you must know how things are.Your lethargy is killing me!I sleep excessively now.Because its only then that I don't have to deal with humans and their shenanigans.Its like being dead for a short while...Being awake makes me see people.And all I see is ugly people.And by ugly,I mean their souls.I know i know,who am I to judge.:)But you're me and I know you get me more than anyone.I've always wanted time to just whiz by me but I'm not so sure anymore.There's just so much to do and with the way things are going,24 hours is too little to call it a day.I feel so incapable and exhausted all the time.The lack of motivation in my life is bothering me but I tell myself it doesn't.Its this huge elephant in my drawing room that I'm so desperate to avoid noticing and pretend like I'm living in vacuum.I know I'm taking my youth and energy for granted.There's so much I can do,but I'd rather squirm under my blanket and sleep.Like I'm dead.Its a lot more easier.

There are just so many questions.How long is your hair?Have you finally decided on your tattoo?Or did you get it already?!Where?!Is college everything you dreamt it would be?

But most importantly,are you getting closer to the person you've always wanted to be?You'll get there,don't you worry.Don't let yourself sink into ever thinking you wont.Your life is yours to play with.Your family loves you,you've got your head well on your shoulders and you're not dying of cancer(yet-haha).Things will only get better,right?I will get past this phase,right?I'll make it out of this in good shape,wont I?Although,noone beats me at bringing your self esteem to a painful low,I
m also your best believer.So sink your teeth into evry opportunity and the brutual homosapiens in your way?Ask them to suck it.I've never told you this before because I thought you knew.You are one amazing woman.Knowing you,you're bound to forget it along the way.Just try not to take it as harsh and yes,I love you.

Love,
Me.