Approval.

Alright,from all my blogs you probably think I'm this big grouch who hates fun.Just so you know,I'm not one.I'm pretty much the funnest person(=D) I know and I know how to have a good time..its just that when I'm by myself,I get lost with all the negative radiation.I would never tell you,in real life,that I'm having a bad day and I that I want to die.OK,I would say that to a few people..but for the most part,my blog does all the whining.
So,I"l try not to sound too whiny in this one.Things aren't getting any better.But I'm learning to live with it.I'm finally letting go of my holidays.Yeah,its about time I did.They're not coming back and there's nothing I can do about it.But,what I really want right now is for the next 2 years to just go by as soon as possible and then I'll write a blog about how I just loathe school.Honestly,I wouldn't be able to tell you why I hate school.Its just that I decided I wouldn't like school and that is it.Even if its fun,I will stick to my high-nosed opinion that it sucks.Because that's just me..I just remembered..This post isn't supposed to be whiny.NO more whining from here.:)
..Anyhoo,my cousin asked me yesterday how many times I get called pretty??Nothings made me feel that awkward in a long time.Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled endlessly with the way I look."I'm too chunky.my hair is weird.u can actually play join-the-dots with my zits.My hands look mutated.I wish my nose wasn't so bubble-like...."all are sentences I've muttered some point or another in my lifetime,along with many others.When my cousin asked me,I thought back.And at first, I only thought of the old ladies or my parents' friends who would always tell me something to the effect of "what a beautiful young lady you are/are becoming." But then,I'm not exactly mirror cracking material and I do get compliments often.And I came to this conclusion:I just can't take a compliment. Anytime anyone says something complimentary to me, I blush a little and quickly change the subject.I don't deny them, but I don't thank them either.I simply brush it off as if it was never said.
Which led me to realize something else:so long,I haven't been seeking the approval of others on my looks.If I had,the first old lady to tell me I look beautiful or boy to tell me I had a cute smile would've secured my self-confidence and my feelings about the way I look.Instead,I've been trying to secure my own approval.I've been trying to convince myself that I am not an ugly person.I'm my own worst critic, and I've begun to realize this just now.
I can actually picture different people reading this and their faces.I can see my brother with an uninterested expression.
ME:Chet,do you think I'm pretty?
Him(my brother):No
Me:That's rude
Him:yeah,I know..
This conversation happens every time my brother and I start talking!
And then,I see Polka thinking-WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT LOOKS??..:P
As conceited and shallow as this blog sounded, i think it was what i needed. because, how can i begin to love myself as much as i know i deserve, if I can't even accept the fact that I'm beautiful the way i am?