The Scar.

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”

~~Harry Crews






^That's me up there.I'm not telling you how I got that across my face,but it's actually making me feel stronger from within.Who would have thought that hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are?..

“See, you don’t have to think about doing the right thing if you are for the right thing then you’ll do it without thinking.”

....Which is what I did.Maybe its going to fire back at me.Maybe I'll regret it later on.So what?I've had enough of the guilt trip and all the minions watching me go through it.

Tick-Tock.

Time is short, my friend. The Clock keeps ticking and I'd have collected a million pennies by now for every time that I thought of the line, 'The Broken Clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight..' from Broken by Lifehouse (one of my favorite somgs, by the way). Yeah, so like I said, time seems to be slipping beyond us at every moment and it's been true so far. I mean, this year has been going by super-quick. BANG! And before you know it, we'll be in 2010. It's also the anniversary of 26/11. Well, I do hope every one of you who lost your lives rest in peace, and I hope in our hearts, we can only commemorate your souls and think of a better nation, a better place for tomorrow. It was a sad event and one of the most infuriating attacks on Bombay last year, and it's not about us just emerging strong, it's the height of the sick bastardly fate we were put through. However, all the anger we felt and still feel can't be directed right back in violence but I just hope that peace prevails and we somehow make it through and we can provide a safer life for tomorrow. We don’t need movies, stories and other painful reminders to commemorate those who lost their lives on 26/11. What we need is peace, hope and the will to strive for a better tomorrow. It’s scary when you contemplate the enormous degree of evil in this world but what’s definitely and vastly more frightening is when you become numb to it all and that when the only way to obtain peace is fighting back in even terrible ways imaginable. It’s hard to believe that us, a species so great, which is blessed with so much, has turned in the cruelest way possible against its own kind. What we fear is not different religions, different super-powers, or foreign threats but our own race. That makes me sad to think that man has turned against man. Over what? Excuses like religion need to be put to the guillotine. I honestly believe in the name of religion, race and color, we have tried to out-pass others, to be better than others. But what is so dense to us is the fact that we might not come from the same DNA, but we are from the same species nonetheless. How is that difficult to get? Just stop all of this nonsense, this horrific blood-bath and live your lives. We are ultimately going to die some day but no one, nobody gives you that right to take our lives away… the only life you’re in charge of is yours. Leave mine and others’ alone.

Where's the bone-crushing bear hug when you need it?

*She walks upstairs with a faster pace than usual.Bolts the bedroom door,drops down to her knees by the bedpost and does what she's now been accustomed to do every single stinking day-cry..Over the should-have-been's,over the ones who make her feel worthless,the ones who make her feel invisible,over the ones who will never understand,over the ones who should have never left-but did.*

What do you do when the one thing that makes you smile when no one's looking is the same thing that leaves you up all night feeling vulnerable and downright miserable?What do you do when someone who you thought you knew so well turns out to be a total stranger?What do you do when you need help so very badly but you're too afraid to ask?Maybe its fear of being marked low?or maybe its just pride.What do you do when your best friend from school goes to this far-off place and seems to be so darn happy with her new life that you cant even tell her that you miss her and want her back in your life-because that would be plain stupid.-?What do you do when you start feeling guilty about the very few RIGHT things you've done?What do you do when you feel exhausted all the time when all you ever do is float around like a ghost who's lost his keys?What do you do when you can't stand certain people around you yet you have to smile and put on a fake show?What do you do when even the smallest of things raises your annoyance level to such a high that you want to bite the person's head off?What do you do when you smile and laugh when you know its all just a show?
Its like falling into a never-ending black hole.Just falling with all those prickly things directed at you from every angle and its hitting harder with every passing day,.What I really want right now is to tell some random stranger every single inch of my life with nothing tampered.When you see me crying with puffy eyes and stringy hair,I don't want you to tell me that I don't look nice when I'm sad and that I should smile.(that is as lame as it can get).I don't want you to say it's going to be alright.Because it effing wont.When I talk,I wish you would just listen and not bombard me with advice.If that's what I wanted,I would ask.
Just hold me and watch me cry until its over.

Its all in how you look at it-whether the glass is half-full or half empty.

Like Sia says,'sometimes its a good hurt'..

Being pessimistic does help.That way when you you dont think you can do good and you do,you feel on top of the world.Proving yourself wrong can boost you up so much that optimism would hardly even come close to it!Being overwhelmed by mnay happy emotions is so much better than knowing all along that things will turn out right and expecting thing to turn out the way the turn out.Life is all about being ':O'.One Big Roller coaster,ain't it?!

OPTIMISM IS FOR THE BORED-HEARTED!

Because she can.

I have to save the world.But do I want to?NO.I seriously need to learn how to say no to people.

So what if doom day arrives and I make a total lame ass of myself?I still have friends who love me no matter what.*looks around*RIGHT?!


If you hurt my family,my daggers come out.If you hurt my best friends,I will punch your face.Now,thats what superwoman actually wants to do.Not save the whole stinking world.Yeah,about me best friends-what do you do when the 2 are fighting with each other and are hurting each other?Who's face do you punch then?.I punched mine.:D



And here's a little something for you,little bitch.Break a leg.Literally.








'Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am, yes she is
Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman

Choices.

City streets or Sandy beaches?Love or Money?To be happy or Make someone happy?Twinkly eyes or Dimpled smiles?Smell of cinnamon or Smell of rain?Train or Bus?Twilight or HArry Potter?Team Edward or Team Jacob?Pink or Purple?Good guy-friend or Boyfriend?To sleep or stay awake?Face the truth or Run away?Letters or E-mail?Ellen or Tyra Banks?Bows or Sashes?To listen to someone else's heartbeat or to feel yours thudding in your chest?To hide or be visible?Best friend or Diary?i-Pod or Walkman?Coffee or Milkshake?Subway trains or Indian trains?Shoes or Haircuts?Chick Flick or Horror Movies?A cozy wooden room or Room with metallic touches?To hug or to be hugged?Mustang or Cruiser?Sunday afternoons or Friday nights?Prince Charming or Shrek?Glittering sand or Water?Country or Rock?To speak out or Just Shut up?First Impression or Last?To wait around or Move on?To climb up the black hole by yourself or Wait for someone to come and get you?To cry when you watch sad movies or Make fun of the others who cried?To confess or bottle it up?To stay strong or Break down?To stay safe or Take chances?Singledom or Commitment?Hollywood or NYC?Bombay or Bangalore?To be far away or jsut a block away?Black or white?The good guy or Bad guy?Old friends or New?To cling on or Let go?The mall or Facebook?;)

So much for that.

I'm so sick of being at this spot.All over again.
Why do I have this knack for doing precisely the WRONG thing?
Why God why?
People who say they have no regrets in life are liars.Every one of them.I have lost count of the many regrets I have lived upto.I don't think they've made me stronger in any way and the 'person-I-am-today' kinda bull-crap.They've left me angry,depressed and vulnerable.I still carry those thoughts everyday like a stain on my favorite pair of jeans that will never get removed.And it hurts,tremendously.



oh by the way,I finished reading the Princess Diaries.Mia finally gets back with Michael-YAY!It was a perfect finish to the series(but I am still incredibly sad that there's not gonna be another book from the series because this series was like life support to me.Every single drama of Mia's life was mirrored in my own little world-freaky!-Meg should have kept on writing these books forever)and I now have a new life motto,taken from the series.:

Life isn't a romance novel.The truth is,the reason why romance novels sell so well-the reason why everyone loves them is because no one's life is actually like that.Everyone wants their life to be like that.
But no one's life really is.


Alright Picture this : a beautiful maiden sits on a rock with a view of the sea kissing sky,her lustrous locks gently blowing in the fresh sea breeze and then he comes.He with his,chiseled chest and moving shoulder blades,strides towards her while the sun glistens on his copper-tinted curls.His eyes radiate a light from within and sets her heart ablaze.They fall madly in love with each other...Then what?Story ends.We know no more..Here's another a picture:an old couple on a rusty old bench who finds pleasure in just being with each other,holding hands.It might be raining and they probably have one scrawny umbrella.But they're smiling like none of that matters.It probably didn't happen overnight and sure as well happen didn't instantly,but its better.Why?Because,its real.

Direction

In my soul searching struggle for self realization and all that crap,I just dawned upon me that I've been doing it all wrong.Somewhere,I got de-railed and didn't even know. I've been spending time with myself, alone, trying to come up with answers that just weren't there because I was alone.I was just too blind to see that most of my problems actually stemmed from me being alone.I'm much more of a people person that I thought I was.I've always thought that I was one of those people that could spend hours upon days upon weeks by myself, without taking a break and hanging out with my friends and the people I care about. I've come to realize that this is why in some of my darkest hours I couldn't console or fix myself; because I was going about it alone. I never asked for help. I never called up anyone just to hang out or chat about something, to take my mind off of how low I was feeling.i didn't realize that what i was feeling at those times was even loneliness. I just thought there was something wrong with me and I didn't want to bother the people around me with my problems. Now I know that my friends and family are there for me, they want to help me in my hours of need. They don't want me to be lonely if they can do anything about it. Until now, I had never realized that the people i love are way more important to my sanity than i had ever thought possible and now I know I've been taking them for granted entirely too much. Well, never again.

I think I now have a glimpse of what I was looking for all along.Well,atleast the right direction.

Look Everybody,I'm turning into Garfield!

Wow.I am pretty darn shocked by how extremely lethargic I've become over the past 5 days.I haven't used Facebook yet because last night I accidentally clicked on LOG OUT,which means that Facebook no longer remembers my ID and password ,so now I have to type in all that ALL OVER AGAIN.Ugh.Too much work.
Then again.these days don't come everyday.Might as well make the lethargic best of it.:)
Yeah.So,I've been reading the 10Th installment to the Princess Diaries.Its supposed to be the last and final book of the series.I'm going to miss it so much.These books are so much fun.You don't even have to think while reading them.Reading it just makes me happy.I'm really hoping Mia gets back together with Michael in the end because I'm really not liking this J.P guy.Its also kinda freaky how Mia Thermopolis is sooo much like me.She is this awkward teen with a fierce love to write and make a difference.Self-esteem runs pretty low in her.She lies pretty much like all the time.Not big lies but tiny white lies which she knows she shouldn't indulge in but still she has to,to prevent people from getting hurt.So me.And she's also scared that one day all her white lies are going to backfire at her.She seriously needs to know how to act fast and say the right things.But even though she may be whining about princess lessons and her rude(yet comical) grandmother,she would do anything for the dying seals in the Arctic.(the same way I would for the dying dogs in Korea).And oh yeah,she likes making lists too!!!SEE?Our similarities are uncanny.
I wish my daddy would buy the band,Lifehouse,for me.HAha.SO,they could sing me to sleep evryday.sigh.The lead singer is so cool.He has this raw coolness radiating from within.I like those people who are unconventionally cool or who don't have to try hard to be cool.aah.Time for a list again!!SO,here's Swathi Ray's(yeah.right.like I'll tell you what my real second name is!) list of Unconventionally Cool People.

• Mia Thermopolis
• Rahul Bose
• My dad
• Will Smith
• Barack Obama
• Albus Dumbledore
• Meg Cabot
• Afrolica(ha ha)
• Imran Khan
• Priyanka Chopra
• Tyra Banks
• Nazneen Ali
• Athmaja Murali
• Chris Daughtry
• That guy on this show I don't know the name of
• Jacob Black(aaaaaaah!)
• Amanda Bynes
• Bono
• Ron Weasley
• Salim Malik(Jamal's brother in Slumdog millionaire)
• Sonam Kapoor

Its even cooler when they don't know how cool they are.I like them more.Yeah,I know,some of the above mentioned are actually fictional characters but who they are makes me love them for what they are!Did your brain just turn to goo there?Sorry.

:)

Go to Sleep.

UGH.
They should offer PhD's to people for Ruining-Someone's Perfect-Day.Why cant you jsut let me be happy?WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU,YOU SADISTIC PLATYPUS-MOUTHED MISERABLE RAT FACE.
*BREATHES IN*
*breathes out*
Ok.I'm calm.

Its just that I was content the whole day(which is something I haven't been feeling for a long time)n BAM.I'm not anymore.

I feel an odd sense of frustration and desperation suddenly.I thought I was ready to forgive and forget and be a friend.But clearly,I'm not.I'm not ready and I dont know why.Something has been switched indefinitely off inside meI feel very irritated and MAD AT THE WHOLE STUPID WORLD.

alter-ego:SWATHI,stop being such a baby and shut up.
Swathi:What do you know?you're stupid.you aren't even real.U jsut think you're so cool being called an alter ego and all.GO AWAY.AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE'S EGO TO ALTER.
alter-ego: But Swathi..I..
Swathi:SHUT UP.SHUT UP.SHUT UP.
alter-ego:seriously,you need to grow up and act like..
SWATHI:(Jumps on the couch).LAlalalalala.I CANT HEAR YOU.


OH WELL,NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF HATE.Presently,I hate everything around me so much that hate couldn't hate itself any worse.SO,who cares if its 30 minutes past midnight.I'm going to make a list of the things i hate.(yeah,the whole world..but lets just stick to particulars now)

1.I hate the color Yellow.This color forces me to be happy when I'm not.Its an elastic feeling.you know,the kinda feeling you get when u put on a pair of undies that are a size too small-how the elastic stretches way too much to make you fit and finally you get these itchy marks.
2.I hate it when people are right about my life more than I would like to admit.
3.I hate the fact that there are KIDS on my face-book friend list.Don't they have anything better to do?like play with barbies or with action figures?(i mention this because my cousin who is a year younger than me beeped me asking what I was doing online so late.Seriously,kid,What is your problem?)
4.I hate silver linings.They're always too thin.
5.I hate LOL..Yes,I use it but still,i Hate it..I think its being thrown around for all the wrong reasons.People don't really care if the context is funny or not.Its become like a full stop or an exclamation mark(!) after a every sentence.
for instance:i got this pink handbag.LOL
you wont believe it.like my boyfriend just dumped me.LOL
my cat just died of cancer.LOL
6. I hate it when parents put their kids over the phone.Especially kids who haven't developed enough to say more than 3 words.
7.I hate silence.Quiet is nice.Quiet is peaceful.Silence is the OFF button.Silence means there's just vacuum.
8.I hate people who think they all know about English songs just by listening to Backstreet boys and Britney Spears.(OH..PUH-LEAASE..)
9.I hate Lola Kutty.I cant wait to see her in real life and kidnap her and threaten to kill her and her stupid glittery-shirt-wearing assistant-Alex ,unless she announces to the whole world on her show that malayalees are cool.
10.I hate real life. why can't it be more like the movies?I want background music.
11.I hate when people ask me uncomfortable question.because I'll only end up lying.
12.I hate the fact that i keep changing the person I am like ever so often.NO,its not called a mood swing.Its more of a personality-swing.
13.I hate making people feel left out.
14.I hate the fact that i hate making people feel left out.I wish I could be just plain rude.
15.I hate the boy who called me ugly when I was seven.
16.I hate that I might start not-hating all of this tomorrow.
17.I hate China.
18.I hate how you make me so obsessed.

.wow.I feel so much better now.
time to hit the sheets now
Good Night.


P.S : I cannot believe I haven't told you about my alter ego.Well,her name's Jade Grey.
She's everything that I'm not and has a big attitude problem.

P.P.S: STOP PICTURING ME WEARING TIGHT UNDERWEAR!
:P

I always want what i can't have.
I know, cliche of the century. the only way to really describe how I feel, and everyone else on the planet thinks the same way.

And it sucks when you work every fibre in you to get something and they just get snatched away from you by people who don't even lift a finger.

I think it's sad that some people fade from view because they want to. They blend in because they don't want to stand out or because they're too lazy to be different. People who are naturally wallflowers, though, like I am, can't understand why anyone would choose this lifestyle. Those who do rock the spotlight can't understand how hard it is to break free from the wall. I bet they don't realize how lonely a spot on that wall is.

WHAT DID I DO?

so yeah.I kinda had a clumsy moment and messed my blog up.i don't have time to set things to straight.I know..MY BLOG IS ALL PURPLE AND WEIRD...I have no idea how it got that way.OH yeah.I did it.How?I dont know.
so,invisible blog-reading people(or nobody reading my blog)I'll un-we'rd my blog soon.
You have no idea how stupid I feel writing this.Its not like u care that my blog's all purple.
WHAT?


yeah..and thumbelina married tom thumb and they lived happily ever after..well..until they had a baby..a malfuntion occured.And instead of the baby being thumb-sized(like its parents) became ORGRE-SIZED.AND IT ATE ITS PARENTS.IMAGINE EATING YOUR PARENTS.:O
...
umm..again,what?

Ship.

so i have a ship. a ship that has not yet sailed. and on board this ship are all my "want to please everyone's," my "want everyone to like me's," and my "want to spare everyone else's feelings-s."this ship is about to set sail. and i can't tell you how relieved i am to be steering it away from shore.

Facing the music.

I think one of the most difficult things to do is to face your fear. For me, it's always been the same, scared of meeting people, of speaking publicly and of not being successful in what I set out to do. And much of it stems from feeling inadequate at times. And well, facing one's fear has a thrill about it yet you need that final push. Like I really wanna bungee-jump off a cliff someday but someone needs to push me(which is,by the way,on my list of 100 things to do). I might be all geared up in the suit and everything but I need that motivation, the belief that I can go on, do it and mostly, by myself. It's only then when you feel a sense of deep satisfaction.
Its funny how the smallest of things can actually make you think...inspire you..I shamelessly admit that a Hannah Montana song made me feel motivated.."...Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb..."..And the other day,I drew this crayon drawing and I'm impressed!crayons make me happy!Photos on Flickr inspire me.(no,photography is not my thing..I'm camera-illiterate!)
I want to go out there and get it..Not just do something because everybody else is doing it.And I want to show people especially those who didn't/don't believe in me that I can do it too.I will not forget anybody who think I cannot make it.One day,I'll say it right there,Here I am,IN your face-At the pinnacle of self-actualization!I'm sure you have felt that competition too, to show people that you can be the darned best as well. It's not easy but it's definitely not that hard...
So,that's what I want..to prove people wrong and let them know that this girl has 'stuff'.I want to do something which makes me happy and work my butt off for it.That'll be the drive to push me forward when I know I'm doing something I love.
:)
Hey, hold on to your dreams, never throw them away.....you know you can make them come true.

Life's a climb..But,baby,the view's amazing~~

Approval.

Alright,from all my blogs you probably think I'm this big grouch who hates fun.Just so you know,I'm not one.I'm pretty much the funnest person(=D) I know and I know how to have a good time..its just that when I'm by myself,I get lost with all the negative radiation.I would never tell you,in real life,that I'm having a bad day and I that I want to die.OK,I would say that to a few people..but for the most part,my blog does all the whining.
So,I"l try not to sound too whiny in this one.Things aren't getting any better.But I'm learning to live with it.I'm finally letting go of my holidays.Yeah,its about time I did.They're not coming back and there's nothing I can do about it.But,what I really want right now is for the next 2 years to just go by as soon as possible and then I'll write a blog about how I just loathe school.Honestly,I wouldn't be able to tell you why I hate school.Its just that I decided I wouldn't like school and that is it.Even if its fun,I will stick to my high-nosed opinion that it sucks.Because that's just me..I just remembered..This post isn't supposed to be whiny.NO more whining from here.:)
..Anyhoo,my cousin asked me yesterday how many times I get called pretty??Nothings made me feel that awkward in a long time.Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled endlessly with the way I look."I'm too chunky.my hair is weird.u can actually play join-the-dots with my zits.My hands look mutated.I wish my nose wasn't so bubble-like...."all are sentences I've muttered some point or another in my lifetime,along with many others.When my cousin asked me,I thought back.And at first, I only thought of the old ladies or my parents' friends who would always tell me something to the effect of "what a beautiful young lady you are/are becoming." But then,I'm not exactly mirror cracking material and I do get compliments often.And I came to this conclusion:I just can't take a compliment. Anytime anyone says something complimentary to me, I blush a little and quickly change the subject.I don't deny them, but I don't thank them either.I simply brush it off as if it was never said.
Which led me to realize something else:so long,I haven't been seeking the approval of others on my looks.If I had,the first old lady to tell me I look beautiful or boy to tell me I had a cute smile would've secured my self-confidence and my feelings about the way I look.Instead,I've been trying to secure my own approval.I've been trying to convince myself that I am not an ugly person.I'm my own worst critic, and I've begun to realize this just now.
I can actually picture different people reading this and their faces.I can see my brother with an uninterested expression.
ME:Chet,do you think I'm pretty?
Him(my brother):No
Me:That's rude
Him:yeah,I know..
This conversation happens every time my brother and I start talking!
And then,I see Polka thinking-WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT LOOKS??..:P
As conceited and shallow as this blog sounded, i think it was what i needed. because, how can i begin to love myself as much as i know i deserve, if I can't even accept the fact that I'm beautiful the way i am?

Flee.

Sometimes you just want to run away..Far,far away..Not away from things,but just to see who cares enough to follow..

So,I watched the Half-blood Prince and it was amazingly boring.I was never too excited about it,but I had to watch it because I wanted to see it before anybody else told me about its coolness or suckiness!
Anyhoo,I've been making this list.Its called -100 things to do before I die.A few know about this,so,now I've figured its time you know.So,yeah its this list where I have to do a 100 things before I die:D.Each time I get something done,I will write about it here.
Having 2 best friends is awesome.3's a crowd and there's never a dull moment.Its really cool because the 3 of us are like a movie.Seriously,there are so many movies/shows about 3 best friends.-Harry Potter,Lizzie McGuire,Hannah Montana,3 musketeers..uhh..well,there were more..I cant think of any now.
I CANNOT wait for November.New Moon's(the sequel to Twilight) coming out and I'm muchos excited!!!!!!!The Twilight Saga is by far the awesomest series I've ever come across.Thank you,Stephanie Meyer!Its just amazing how these writers create a whole new world and leave readers wishing it were all true.Who wants Prince Charming on his white horse now??I WANT A VAMPIRE IN A VOLVO!!!!.See,that's what Twilight's done to me.I’m pretty much a sucker for ‘shy/artsy/awkward-girl-meets-cool-guy-and-they-fall-in-love’ kind of crap.OK,I'm more turned on by Jacob Black than Edward Cullen-I cant wait to see him shirtless in New Moon.EEP!!!And I've been encouraging guys to read twilight too.So what if its chick literature?C'mon ,embrace the chick in you,guys..;)Also,thanks to twilight,I now have unrealistic expectations in men.
~~~

Two roads diverged in a wood, and

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference !

~Robert Frost.

Well,atleast he chose some road which turned out to be the good one.If I had to choose,I'd probably get so confused and die.:P..Thats how I am when it comes to making desicions and more often than not,I've made the wrong ones.I'm jsut so opnionless all the time.I hate my inabilty to take sides in a situation,no matter how small or big.I dont even have a favourite colour,there are SO MANY!..and choosing JUST one is super-stressful.

If you're in love with the rain,you're watching too much bollywood.Well,I used to love the rain,but now I've realized that it wasnt the rain i liked,its the weather..You know how evrything goes all blue and cold and nice before the rain arrives?Thats what I like.not the rain.Rain's nice only if you want to get wet,otherwise its just plain annoying.When you're watching the herione getting wet in her white sari,who thinks about the poor kids you have to go to school with water squishing in and out of thier socks or the old man on the two-wheeler who doesnt have a raincoat?So,now when it rains,all I can think is..i hatetherainihatetherainihatetherain..and then i get poked by someone with an umbrella and this car vrooms past splashing "clean" water all over me...ooooh,i love it!Heavy Sarcasm.Besides,my dog gets really stinky when it rains.

So,I've been expreimenting a lot with music for the past few days and I actually like it.To me,normally,songs are all about the lyrics.But everything I like,is all about love and loss and stuff.And that is NOT where I want to be right now.So,right now,I've been listening to songs,that dont mean anything and its not that bad.Cooz thats what i feel right now-senseless.Like 'Come Around' by M.I.A...The words go like..

'A dun da da dun da da dun da da dun da da dun dunBeat goes on.In a faraway land we got shit made,Ray-Ban shades, warheads laid,Babies born in air raids,My girls run the Everglades,Indian tribesmen gamble spadesIndian chicks, they get men laid.'

see?senseless..

ugh. i hate the expression "wake up and be somebody." like, just because i'm in bed, i'm not offically a person yet? i have to get up to even be counted?Gee,some people sure are stupid.

Couldn't think of a nice title.

This is the third time i've come to this website today, with something to say and then fallen short when it came time to type it all out.I feel like i should write something. because i feel like i have something to say.No,don't go away-im not going to talk talk about depression because the weekend's coming up and I DO NOT want to ruin it.
I realized today that mere small talk can go a long way.Whenever greeting someone, whether I know them or not, it's become habitual for me to say "hi, how are you?" and then expect an answer like "fine" or "well." So why did this habit start if i never actually cared about the person's response, since people always responded in the same way? It was today I realized people didn't always respond the same way at all. Sure, with their words they did, but not with their facial expressions, their posture, their eyes. By looking past what the person is just saying, i got a sense of what they really meant. I think that with small talk, subconsciously, we're letting strangers and the world around us know how we really are, our real story, all by using the mask of politeness; so that maybe, when we really need it most, someone will notice what's behind the mask and try to help a fellow human being.


Try saying the workd 'masks' 10 times..I can't say it right.:P

Footsteps beneath my window.

...Talking to an old friend definitely perks up your day..So,today I had the phone engaged for more than an hour with my awesome friend who I've known since A-B-C.I wish i knew more people who I can just blabber to for hours at end.On second thoughts,No,I'm happy with everyone I have.

Things are changing and I don't like change.Yeah,everyone says its all for the best and blah blah.But things are getting to me and I just want to be depressed.I refuse to look at the open door because I want the closed door to just open and run into it before it closes again..I have this serious aversion towards happy people these days.If someone has a smile that's so wide it reaches his forehead,it makes me wanna shout 'STOP SMILING LIKE A MORON,WHAT ARE U SO FREAKIN' HAPPY ABOUT,PUNK??!'..kinda like what Barbie's current display picture on Orkut does to me...Makes me ultra-depressed...and Michael Jackson's dead.And people are actually happy about it.Well,most people.That is just utterly disrespectful.Sure,he was an oddball who may have done some weird things and had serious issues,BUT THE MAN'S DEAD.the man who created a new era of music.DEAD.He came ,he sang and moon-walked his way into our hearts and made us all stare in awe at his gravity-defying dance moves.HOW CAN ANYONE HATE SUCH A COOL PERSON?MY favourite MJ track is 'The way you make me feel'.It makes me wanna just get up and dance,anytime,anywhere.I don't think I know anybody who hasn't heard of Michael Jackson.Name one person who doesn't have the urge to just try those moves when 'Thriller's on T.V.One person who doesn't get goosebumps and a fuzzy feeling listening to Heal The World.One person who remains unmoved by 'They don't care about us.''Beat It' can make anybody turn into a rebel.He shows so much emotion in his song-I love that.For all you losers making jokes about this legend's death,YOU'RE A PATHETIC WASTE OF SKIN.GO DIE.say what you will about him, but NOTHING can compare to his talent, influence and just pure awesomeness, RIP Michael, you will forever be missed.And may you teach the moon how to walk....<3
I have so much of strange friend requests pending in my orkut account.I think I actually know some of them.But still,I do not want people I hardly talk to to be on my friend list.But noooo,no matter how much I reject them each time they just have to keep sending the requests over and over again.WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIST????!!!!!!Yeah,I know..Why am I telling you this???I don't know.BUT if you're still reading-SCORE!haha..I'm not depressed as much as I was when I started this.Probably because I'm excited about something that might happen.Or 'coz of the fact that more people are reading my blog and appreciating it.EEP!Sometimes,even I get confused with my mood swings.I don't like the rain anymore.'Any cold wet thing'-I hate(YEAH,TWILIGHT!)Its making everything all the more depressing.Sometimes,I wish I could actually be diagnosed with depression,so I could have a reason as to why I'm not normal at times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing much.

You ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples life have we been in. Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it.

Some days you're the windshield...

..and some days you're the bug..And today,I'm the bug..no,make that the bug stuck between the wiper blades.:(..Life's being a total bitch right now...I have the worst case of the flu which is as worse as humanly possible.I cant sit,I cant walk,I cant sleep,I cant eat,I cant stand,I can barely even type this now..the pain,the agony...its taking over me..LOL,I sound so emo...-_-..NExt thing you know,you'll be seeing me walking on the streets with a weird hair-do and black nails..HAHA..ok,i cant laugh either..It aches in places I didn't even know existed..let me try screaming...AA..AAHH...AA..NO,I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER..THIS SO TOTALLY STICKS..(combination for stinks and sucks).

Bwack..My mouth tastes weird...Atleast not as weird as Barbie smelling biriyani when she has a cold..:P..I soo wanted to finish reading Breaking Dawn,but i couldn't because the book was too heavy and I was too weak to even lift it...

I see dead people.Walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're dead..Sixth sense is probably the only horror movie I like..I prefer happy movies..Horror movies are normally about a bunch of tormented people who breathe way too heavily..Maybe their underwear's way too tight..HAHA..Barbie is seriously freaking me out about blood tests and heart count and other stuff I don't understand.:S..This is so annoying,,Before writing this,I had so much of thoughts..And now,I cant think of anything..Why do people ask you to have oatmeal when you're sick????Like Barbie says,Its lumpy,gross and grainy...It looks like vomit..If I sneeze anymore,I'm pretty sure my nose is going to fall off.I read somewhere that people,long ago,believed that if you sneeze a 100 times,you'd die..In that case,I should be dead by now..
The only interesting that happened today is that someone who I stumbled across knows someone I know.The wonders of blogging.;)..So,maybe I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Shania Twain!!!!!!!
Anyway,I'd love to ramble more but I gotta go gargle.How i hate doing that..*Sigh*IF you're not sick,You suck.Period.

...What they all say.

I don't understand how some people fall asleep before u can say '1..2..3..'.It takes me forever.Last night,it took me longer than that.I was in no mood to read a proper book to fall asleep,so I thought,'Why not read my diary..!'And so I fished out my green diary(with dog figures on the cover!)from under my bed(Note to self:thing of a new hiding place for diary).As soon as I began to read,I thought I should just put it aside since it was bringing back bad memories.But then,I realized how much I've changed.I could actually picture myself growing up as I moved from one entry to another.Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is entirely different.I've had my fair share of blue days,disappointments and regrets.I know what its like to feel as insignificantly small as possible;to feel like nobody cares and you're all alone.But slowly,you realize that there's absolutely no point brooding over yesterday.There comes a point when you're just tired of it all,tired of all the drama and the bullshit and you finally learn to let go..And just when you think things are getting alright,life takes a U-turn and you're back at where you started.So what if things don't end the way you want them to?So what if things get downright shitty?Sure,It's not always rainbows and butterflies.But that doesn't mean its the end of the world.Life is about not knowing,having to change,taking in the moment and making the best of it without knowing whats going to happen next.Each day you can choose either to move forward or to simply give up.So,next time something doesn't go your way and leaves you devastated:you cry a river,build a bridge and GET OVER IT!;)

Thankyou,diary:)

Life's like photography..You develop from the negatives~

Perfection.

..They say that nobody's perfect.They say practice makes perfect.I wish they'd just make up thier minds.

Why is everybody striving to be someone they're not?to be better, more, a different person entirely. Is anyone actually happy with who they are right now? I know i'm not. I know there are a million ways i could be a better, happier, prettier, more successful person. But why do we feel the need to strive for perfection - something we usually see in others, but very rarely see in ourselves.

most people only love you for who you pretend to be. to keep their love, you keep pretending, and you keep performing. you get locked into an image; you get locked into an act. but real love means letting a person be who he really is. when others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. it's a subtle kind of murder, and the most loving parents and relatives commit this murder daily, with smiles on their faces.

-jim morrison

..Yeah,we've heard a lot about people telling us to 'embrace our flaws' with very few actually attempting to do so.But all said and done,flaws are what makes us human and sometimes what we perceive as flaws are the things that make us great and standout.Plus,something thats really hard and equally amazing,is to give up on being perfect and start the work on becoming yourself.

:)

????

Do I make a good first impression?What is the color of magic?Are stars actually spirits of dead people?Will there come a time where people go holidaying on the moon?Why do you always want something you cant have?DWhy does X stand for kiss while O stands for hug?Do you think im random?why do you not feel ticklish when you tickle yourself?Is true love just once in a lifetime?Who's going to live in my house 500 years from now?How many tomatoes have you eaten this year?Ever lost a really important text-book during your exams and then found it after the paper was over?Do I already know the person I'll marry?Do you ever stare at the lines on the palm of your hand and think they are pretty?Did the captain of the titanic cry?Is there a ghost sitting beside me this very moment?Will my kids look at old photos of me and laugh?Why didnt Caesar jsut listen to Calpurnia?How did people survive without blenders,telephones and facebook?Have you ever eaten a crayon?Will we ever see people whose faces we've seen only in dreams?Whats for dinner today?Et' tu Brute?;)Are you still reading this?Do you think I'm stupid?Why do I care so much about what other people think of me?Are they looking at me?Why do I hate you and still wish the best for you?Where are you going to be 20 years from now?What is your name?Why do old photos make you cry?Do bald men wash their heads with soap or shampoo?Which shoe do you put on first?Who am I?

Guess its one of those days..

..So,I woke up at 7 with a blocked nose and lips as dry as the Sahara.I felt like an ugly 100 year old iguana.My head felt so heavy and BLOCKED.Probably it was all the travelling.I dislike that feeling.It was first day at tuition today,well my first day because I'd missed the first two days on account of me being out of town.I had to get the tuition place at 9 or so I thought.So,there I was in front of the mirror making myself tuition-y and that's when this other girl who attends the same tuition dropped by to give me her notebook.Yes,I missed the class-it was actually at 7.Turned out that my mom just forgot.Frustrating.Then,I had to go to school so i could get admitted there OFFICIALLY.THIS SUCKS!Alright,I had to get accepted here or else I wouldn't go anywhere and I might have to be home-schooled..AAAAAH!It's complicated.But still,I have 2 more years to rot in this horrid place(Sorry if you're someone from school,but freedom of speech and expression is granted in this nation).I was this close (brings index finger and thumb close to each other to represent an inch or so) to moving to another city to continue my studies.But NOOOO,"some" people just had to 'enlighten' me about starting all over and thereby,freaking me out.*sigh*And yet again,for the 100Th time,I got asked why i scored so low in English.Like,how am i supposed to know?I'm the English bimbette.I don't know anything about it.Besides that,I cant sign into Orkut.The screen's just the light blue colour but nothing's in it.Its empty.MY ORKUT'S ALL BLUE AND EMPTY.I know Orkut's extremely lame and pathetic,but its so much easier to stalk people on orkut than Facebook.(Facebook is the best for everything else.)I didn't get to go to Naeera's place today beacause my mom's having those weird moods.Edward Cullen started getting nice in Eclipse.I like Jacob Black better.He looks hotter and is more real unlike Mr.Cold.And to top it all,Bride and Prejudice was on T.V,which is the lamest movie of the century.This movie just screams out "Indians are dumb.IF you want proof,watch me".Aiswarya Rai is probably the biggest airhead I know.When she was angry she rolled her eyes. When distressed she rolled her eyes, when just talking rolled her eyes. When happy rolled her eyes & giggled & put her hands together to clap like a school girl.Also,the English lyrics in the songs got on my nerves,But I had to watch the entire movie because I was too depressed to do anything.I wanted it to rain in the morning,but it didn't.And now its raining.
AAAAAAARGH!Why does all this happen on the same day?Probably I'm the bulls' eye on God's dartboard today.
Thankyou for listening to me.I feel a lot better:)

I'll miss you.

......."Swathi,I'm leaving today..."


That's what I heard when I answered the phone this morning.Goodbye,goodbye.I hate that word.Where the heck is the "good" in goodbye?It feels so lousy just saying the word.Why do people leave?Why do we have to grow up?Why cant we always live in one time period?WHY?WHY?WHY?


..But,then again,I guess goodbyes are a part of life.And I just have to deal with it-just like everyone else.But,why now?I write this because I'm disturbed that my friend (lets call her Y for matters of security) is leaving to Mangalore to do her 11Th and 12Th standard.It seemed so out of the blue when she told me.Y's one of my first friends at school.I was the new girl at school in the 6Th grade.I felt like I belonged to an entirely different planet.There were kids who were friendly and nice,but,I just couldn't feel at peace with any of them.An entire year went by and I still didn't feel like I "belonged" to my new school.That's when Y walked in.We were made to sit next to each other and we just "clicked"!From then on,there was no turning back.I did make a lot of friends,but in my list of REAL friends,she would always be among the tops.Its like the world's off your shoulders when you're with her.We've seen so much together,She and I.She was one of the very few who was around for more than just the laughs and the fun.I've seen her cry and she's seen me cry.She knows all there is to know about me.I can just be "me" with her.And she was never one to judge me.We did have a rough patch somewhere along the path.There was anger.There was hurt.But we made through it all and grew closer than ever.
Now,I really wish life was a music player,where you can just rewind to your favourite part of the song and play it over and over.Y's this dainty vulnerable girl who gets carried away very easily.And I've always felt like her protector.(Yeah,sounds dumb-but,I have my own theories.)The main point is,I'm going to miss looking out for her.I'm gonna miss singing sa-re-ga-ma "avar" style.I'm gonna miss cracking jokes only we laughed our heads off for while the others thought we had a brain problem!I'm gonna miss her calling me "Zwadhi".I'm gonna miss sniggering at the teachers.I'm gonna miss those utterly useless and unusual conversations we have.I'm gonna miss talkin in our tha-tha language.I'm gonna miss it all.Each and everything about you,Y."Aint nobody gonna take your place!It sure is not gonna be the same without her.The morning bus rides are gonna be so lifeless and boring.:(
When she told me,I didn't tell her to stay.I know how much she wants this.That's easy to figure out considering the fact that both of us are the only ones who hate our school to the core!Naturally,we'd jump at every possible oppurtunity to get out of this place.Yeah,I'm gonna miss talking about how much we hate school!So,its her chance to start over and I'm letting go.Sure,I'm happy for her.But this hurts.I know at some point,all of us have to go different directions and I just have to deal with it.
~When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end~

Not just a dog.

Have you ever imagined how easy life would be as a dog??Laze around everyday-chewing on things you shouldnt be chewing,running after random objects,digging up gardens,sleeping,being fed,groomed and walked by others.The entire world is your playground.No worries in the world.School and career are no concern.Wow!Isn't that enough to make you envious?Or so,I thought...till Caesar and Cleo walked into my life.I still remember that day,10 years ago,when two fur balls were placed in my hands.Those furballs taught me the greatest lessons in life.
Now,the worst thing about getting a pet is the ending.Losing a pet is never easy.No matter how old your dog was, how many years you had together, or how expected her death, the grief can be overwhelming.I lost Cleo when I was 11.Your first dog is the hardest to get over.I'm still not over Cleo.We got another dobberman and named her Cleo,too.Cleo(II)developed this really critical disease and her death was expected.I was still trying to get over Cleo(I) and another loss broke me.Caesar's still healthy and kicking and has been with us for 11 years now.All three dogs have touched my soul and taught me so much.
A person can truly learn a lot from a dog.My dogs have taught me to appreciate the simplest things in life,about optimism in the face of adversity.We,humans, are constantly brooding over the past or worrying about the future-we forget that life,real life,is lived right now,in this very moment.But living in the moment is something that dogs do naturally.Mostly,I've learnt about friendship and selflessness and above all else,unwavering loyalty.A dog doesnt care if you're rich or poor,clever or dull.Give your dog your heart and he will give you his.
Here is a little something I came across while I was browsing:
8 Lessons From A Dog
*When bad things happen, keep wagging your tail.
*Be patient and still, and your problem will eventually be sorted.
*Trust in the kindness of strangers.
*Accept others’ help, because some things you cannot do yourself.
*Humans worry about things that never happen.
*Just because someone thinks about kiling you doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. .
*Lick the people you love today, before you fall into another hole.
This really made me smile.:)
And you know what really REALLY gets on my nerves?Brainless people who say-"C'mon,It's just a dog".."You care so much for just a dog?"..
Some of my best moments have come about with "just a dog"."Just a dog" has been there for me through my darkest days."Just a dog gave me comfort and the hope to go on and face life.If you too think its "just a dog",you will probably understand phrases like.."Just a friend","just a promise" and so on..Next time I hear the phrase,"Just a Dog",i shall smile and say to myself,"they JUST DONT UNDERSTAND".
..No matter what,even with bad breath,silly minds and pure intentions,dogs will always be man's best friend.

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME..

Yes,I know this is my second blog in a day..But..AAHHH!..WHO CARES?!..so..25 random things about me was all over Facebook a few months back.I thought it was an amazing application.You come to know SO MUCH about your friendspthings they wouldn't tell you directly..So,Here's my list..:


1.I tend to judge people by the shoes they're wearing.
2.I never get bored when im alone.i can stare at a wall for a whole day and still not be bored!
3.Math is stupid.I hate it with a passion.I mean,who wants to know how fast trains are and how tall that sky-scraper is???
4.My first best friend was Cleo,my dobberman.[may your soul rest in peace,cleo.]
5.I can raise one eyebrow...just the left one ,not the right.
6.I grew up watching disney movies and Full House.Everything i need to know in life,I learnt from them.
7.If I could do anything I wanted to do and not have to worry about making a living – it would be travel, write, take photographs, read, meet new people, learn about new things, and live in a house with 4 dogs.
8.The one time i thought my world would end was when two of my friends and I got busted for forging a letter to our math teacher about one of us not bringing a notebook to school.I'm not proud of it and Ive learnt my lesson.
9.I've always wanted to scream in a silent classroom.
10.I always have to repeat my name more than twice to people when they ask for it.Later,Im asked to spell it too.
11.I actually beleived it when my brother told me I was adopted since I thought i had nothing in common with my family then.:P
12.I once when to school without my schoolbag.I just forgot!.
13.I dont have a cell phone and i dont intend to have one till I turn 20!..one of the few things my parents are proud of!
14.I love wedding movies!..The wedding Planner,Runaway bride,My Best Friend's Wedding,27 dresses,License to Wed,Father ff the Bride,Made of Honour,Bride Wars,I think I do......Love em' all!!!
15."Random" is one of my favourite words!
16.I once had a pair of guinea pigs-Doughnut and Muffin.But unfortunately,they died of menengitis(brain fever).
17.I hate forward e-mails.I dont care if i die at midnight,Im not going to forward your e-mail to 50 people!
18.I always sort m&m's by color before eating them.
19.I love getting letters from people and writing to them.
20 .As a kid,the Telletubbies used to freak me out.
21.My favourite colour is blue.It makes me feel free!
22.I never really liked Linkin Park.I only did so coz' it was "cool" to like them then!:P
23. I have an amazingly high pain tolerance.
24.I am really scared of death-my own and that of people i love-so much that I hardly ever talk about it.
25..I beleive in true love and demand a fairytale ending!
.....

Thats about it
:)

What do you write in your first blog?

Soooo,this is my first blog! ever.I'm waiting for the rush of excitement to overcome me!..

So,is my first blog supposed to be all about myself?I'v been wanting to creat a blog for a very long time and i used to make a list of the different things i would write about!Oh yeah,I love making lists..And now we have summer break,so it seemed like the perfect time to creat a blog.I promise I'll try to write in as regularly as possible.

I start this blog for a lot of reasons,mostly because I think this is a great outlet for my daily craziness and its about time i pen some of the crazy episodes and experiences my lucky life has given me.Earlier,I used to think a blog was like a journal and I really didnt get the whole point.I used to think,Why would anyone want the whole world to read thier diary?!..But now,going through different blog entries,I've realized that this is so much more than keeping a journal.It gives you so much exposure to the world outside,makes you realize how different life is for different people across the globe..So,three cheers for you ,Mr.Man Who Created Blogging!

I hope my blogs dont turn out to be crappy and empty!I could jazz it up with pictures and videos,but i dont know how to do any of that.Yes,I'm technologically retarded.I soo envy people who know how to do the right thing when something happens to your computer!By the way,I'm just 15 years old and I'm still not sure what i actually want to do with my life.My fields of interests are media and entertainment.I absolutely love writing.I wrote my first poem in Class 6.It was about a dog who didnt win a prize at the dog show.Gosh,I blabber so much!

Anyway,I need to get to know this place around..Please comment if you stumble across even if its just to say Hi or to be nasty.It'll be nice to know someone has found it!

Have a nice day:)