Is she for real?

Can you believe Mayawati?The woman's antics make the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and every other public weirdo as mundane as a hamster on its wheel. :P How she gets away with it is beyond me. I mean, is sycophancy that strong a force in the Indian psyche? Just when i was beginning to get used to the idea of her garland made of carefully crafted currency and her party's (party is a great word. But it think CIRCUS would be far more appropriate a word considering the clowns in it) so-called defiance to the muchly-envious opposition who is making such a big deal (so-unreasonably-really-now?) of it by the self-diktat that they henceforth, will only offer currency garlands, she goes and makes another beee-g issue.

It's not her. It's us. How can we possibly condone this? Our country is supposed to be, despite popular belief - despite the rat worshipping, despite our legacy of superstition, despite hundred other despites, a nation of rational human beings. How on earth do we just read about the crazy slash ridiculously extravagant slash obviously corrupt slash crazy all over again slash no-way-in-hell-could-she-be-affording-to-do-this-honestly things in magazine and just flip the page and go on to the next story! How does the establishment explain this? How low are her "wellwishers" willing to sink? Whatever. All that being said, I think she's more news worthy than all the denizens of the page three universe put together.
..AND MY DAD THINKS I SHOULD STOP SKIPPING ALL THE POLITICAL NEWS IN THE PAPER(WHICH MEANS I DONT NEED TO INVEST TIME FOR NEWSPAPER-READING.I get it done with a snap of a finger.BECAUSE THE PAPERS ALL HAVE SOME CONTRACT WITH THESE MONKEYSHINES TO COVER EVRY SINGLE INCH OF THE PRINT IN HONOUR OF THEM..ASTOUNDING.


ok,breathe.


This is why I stay away from politics.The dirt disgusts and angers me.

Look who found her way back to blogtown.

There are bad mood days and there are bad hair days but the worst of them,by far, are bad pen days.
Nope,writer's block isn't to be blamed for the obvious waning of my blogging activities.
I just didn't WANT to blog.I thought I was losing myself here..How much revealing of your thoughts and emotions is 'too much' revealing??I thought I crossed that thin line.People who read my blog and know the real Swathi and not just Blogger Swathi,got to conclusions that I am seriously deluded.
I didn't like my blog being talked about in real life.I didn't want people to think of the things I write here when I'm talking to them.That Swathi and Blogger Swathi are two different people.
Blogger Swathi says it as it is.Swathi keeps it all clogged up inside and finally needs to throw up,making a mess of things.:D
Well,it used to be that way till Blogger Swathi started to creep into Swathi.Swathi's now trying to master the balancing act and she's getting there.Slowly,but palpably.


Anyhoo,Blogger Swathi was making the inside story a little too 'out there'-making her look like an attention whore.That was the inital reason why I decided to give blogging a break.Then,came the antagonizing fact that I couldn't write with happy thoughts.WHAT IS THAT?It was almost as if the blog was yelling out to me-'BE SAD AND YOU MAY WRITE THEN.'I've lost count of the many times I came to this place with things to say but just felt my fingers stagnant on the keyboard.One time I came up with something as asinine as :
My new favorite colour is Purple..."

Nothing beyond that.

:|
Then someone came along and reminded me that when I look back on this blog,I want it to reflect my life.I don't want to find nothing but sad stories here.The blog deserves to echo the happier side of my life as well.Also,I wanted to be back badly because I liked the alter-ego i created for myself here.I like the way she writes-no fancy words that make you go google them immediately.Nothing much to brag about but atleast the song's mine.:)

How scattery am I being here?Do I make any sense?AT ALL?I haven't lost it.Its just a little eerie to be back with still nothing to say but the impelling urge to write.Now,do I sound like I'm desperately trying to write something which is turning out to be less than mundane?
:D.Well,you know what?If that's what you think,I DON'T CARE.My blog.My rules.Let me be presumptuous to think that you might actually be interested in what I have to say.And that you might be interested enough to follow my 'going in circles' trail of thoughts.You should know by now that I have this affliction of clutching my heart in my fist.So,If a little drama makes you cringe,you've got the wrong URL up there,honey.
:)

Lets see how this works.









P.S : My new favorite colour is Purple.And its been 4 months. ;)

The sunshine is trapped between the clouds and now I cant see it.

You know those days when you feel the wind in your face and you think nothing can break you?Well,I feel the complete opposite of that today.Honesty and Individuality,I really value,but somehow I cant help thinking-Whats the point,anyway?..Its a man-eat-man world.You just cant brush past the conning wolves of this world to go there and make your mark,by sticking to your ethics.Its just so difficult to see the good in things,to move and be pleasant about things especially when your mind is clearly stagnant in troubled waters...I do try,but having a memory that is slightly better than people around you does not help.There's this constant nagging inside me that says everyone's just out there to get me and things just start eating me up inside,making me crash wrecklesly bakward.It makes me feel bad and disappointed and the next minute,I'm like an excited 6 year old who just saw a whale.The smallest of things(the rickshaw driver who smiles when I say thank-you,crayons,Polka's wriggly dance,the sight of my neighbor's dog's nose under his gate) make me reach such a high that i forget why i was down in the dumps in the first place.
I don't like being on two extreme ends all the time.its either all the negativity that kills me or the the extreme high i get out of things.This thing,whatever it is,is seeping inside my system corrupting my thinking and leaving me half-dead in the process.
Its also difficult to write all this without sounding emo.I must sound pretty pathetic now.But,writing is therapeutic.It cleanses my mind atleast for a teeny while,but sometimes the hurt just lies there stuck in those hard-to-reach nooks and crannies until the sharp and clever point of a toothpick comes along and pokes out the tiny annoying sliver of something wedged between your teeth!
And you know whats weird?Even though I may come across as a crazy,stressed,bi-polaric wreck of a maniac,there lies underneath a strong independent girl who is at a crossroad in her life right now.


:)

The Scar.

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”

~~Harry Crews






^That's me up there.I'm not telling you how I got that across my face,but it's actually making me feel stronger from within.Who would have thought that hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are?..

“See, you don’t have to think about doing the right thing if you are for the right thing then you’ll do it without thinking.”

....Which is what I did.Maybe its going to fire back at me.Maybe I'll regret it later on.So what?I've had enough of the guilt trip and all the minions watching me go through it.

Tick-Tock.

Time is short, my friend. The Clock keeps ticking and I'd have collected a million pennies by now for every time that I thought of the line, 'The Broken Clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight..' from Broken by Lifehouse (one of my favorite somgs, by the way). Yeah, so like I said, time seems to be slipping beyond us at every moment and it's been true so far. I mean, this year has been going by super-quick. BANG! And before you know it, we'll be in 2010. It's also the anniversary of 26/11. Well, I do hope every one of you who lost your lives rest in peace, and I hope in our hearts, we can only commemorate your souls and think of a better nation, a better place for tomorrow. It was a sad event and one of the most infuriating attacks on Bombay last year, and it's not about us just emerging strong, it's the height of the sick bastardly fate we were put through. However, all the anger we felt and still feel can't be directed right back in violence but I just hope that peace prevails and we somehow make it through and we can provide a safer life for tomorrow. We don’t need movies, stories and other painful reminders to commemorate those who lost their lives on 26/11. What we need is peace, hope and the will to strive for a better tomorrow. It’s scary when you contemplate the enormous degree of evil in this world but what’s definitely and vastly more frightening is when you become numb to it all and that when the only way to obtain peace is fighting back in even terrible ways imaginable. It’s hard to believe that us, a species so great, which is blessed with so much, has turned in the cruelest way possible against its own kind. What we fear is not different religions, different super-powers, or foreign threats but our own race. That makes me sad to think that man has turned against man. Over what? Excuses like religion need to be put to the guillotine. I honestly believe in the name of religion, race and color, we have tried to out-pass others, to be better than others. But what is so dense to us is the fact that we might not come from the same DNA, but we are from the same species nonetheless. How is that difficult to get? Just stop all of this nonsense, this horrific blood-bath and live your lives. We are ultimately going to die some day but no one, nobody gives you that right to take our lives away… the only life you’re in charge of is yours. Leave mine and others’ alone.

Where's the bone-crushing bear hug when you need it?

*She walks upstairs with a faster pace than usual.Bolts the bedroom door,drops down to her knees by the bedpost and does what she's now been accustomed to do every single stinking day-cry..Over the should-have-been's,over the ones who make her feel worthless,the ones who make her feel invisible,over the ones who will never understand,over the ones who should have never left-but did.*

What do you do when the one thing that makes you smile when no one's looking is the same thing that leaves you up all night feeling vulnerable and downright miserable?What do you do when someone who you thought you knew so well turns out to be a total stranger?What do you do when you need help so very badly but you're too afraid to ask?Maybe its fear of being marked low?or maybe its just pride.What do you do when your best friend from school goes to this far-off place and seems to be so darn happy with her new life that you cant even tell her that you miss her and want her back in your life-because that would be plain stupid.-?What do you do when you start feeling guilty about the very few RIGHT things you've done?What do you do when you feel exhausted all the time when all you ever do is float around like a ghost who's lost his keys?What do you do when you can't stand certain people around you yet you have to smile and put on a fake show?What do you do when even the smallest of things raises your annoyance level to such a high that you want to bite the person's head off?What do you do when you smile and laugh when you know its all just a show?
Its like falling into a never-ending black hole.Just falling with all those prickly things directed at you from every angle and its hitting harder with every passing day,.What I really want right now is to tell some random stranger every single inch of my life with nothing tampered.When you see me crying with puffy eyes and stringy hair,I don't want you to tell me that I don't look nice when I'm sad and that I should smile.(that is as lame as it can get).I don't want you to say it's going to be alright.Because it effing wont.When I talk,I wish you would just listen and not bombard me with advice.If that's what I wanted,I would ask.
Just hold me and watch me cry until its over.