Where's the bone-crushing bear hug when you need it?

*She walks upstairs with a faster pace than usual.Bolts the bedroom door,drops down to her knees by the bedpost and does what she's now been accustomed to do every single stinking day-cry..Over the should-have-been's,over the ones who make her feel worthless,the ones who make her feel invisible,over the ones who will never understand,over the ones who should have never left-but did.*

What do you do when the one thing that makes you smile when no one's looking is the same thing that leaves you up all night feeling vulnerable and downright miserable?What do you do when someone who you thought you knew so well turns out to be a total stranger?What do you do when you need help so very badly but you're too afraid to ask?Maybe its fear of being marked low?or maybe its just pride.What do you do when your best friend from school goes to this far-off place and seems to be so darn happy with her new life that you cant even tell her that you miss her and want her back in your life-because that would be plain stupid.-?What do you do when you start feeling guilty about the very few RIGHT things you've done?What do you do when you feel exhausted all the time when all you ever do is float around like a ghost who's lost his keys?What do you do when you can't stand certain people around you yet you have to smile and put on a fake show?What do you do when even the smallest of things raises your annoyance level to such a high that you want to bite the person's head off?What do you do when you smile and laugh when you know its all just a show?
Its like falling into a never-ending black hole.Just falling with all those prickly things directed at you from every angle and its hitting harder with every passing day,.What I really want right now is to tell some random stranger every single inch of my life with nothing tampered.When you see me crying with puffy eyes and stringy hair,I don't want you to tell me that I don't look nice when I'm sad and that I should smile.(that is as lame as it can get).I don't want you to say it's going to be alright.Because it effing wont.When I talk,I wish you would just listen and not bombard me with advice.If that's what I wanted,I would ask.
Just hold me and watch me cry until its over.

Its all in how you look at it-whether the glass is half-full or half empty.

Like Sia says,'sometimes its a good hurt'..

Being pessimistic does help.That way when you you dont think you can do good and you do,you feel on top of the world.Proving yourself wrong can boost you up so much that optimism would hardly even come close to it!Being overwhelmed by mnay happy emotions is so much better than knowing all along that things will turn out right and expecting thing to turn out the way the turn out.Life is all about being ':O'.One Big Roller coaster,ain't it?!

OPTIMISM IS FOR THE BORED-HEARTED!

Because she can.

I have to save the world.But do I want to?NO.I seriously need to learn how to say no to people.

So what if doom day arrives and I make a total lame ass of myself?I still have friends who love me no matter what.*looks around*RIGHT?!


If you hurt my family,my daggers come out.If you hurt my best friends,I will punch your face.Now,thats what superwoman actually wants to do.Not save the whole stinking world.Yeah,about me best friends-what do you do when the 2 are fighting with each other and are hurting each other?Who's face do you punch then?.I punched mine.:D



And here's a little something for you,little bitch.Break a leg.Literally.








'Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am, yes she is
Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman

Choices.

City streets or Sandy beaches?Love or Money?To be happy or Make someone happy?Twinkly eyes or Dimpled smiles?Smell of cinnamon or Smell of rain?Train or Bus?Twilight or HArry Potter?Team Edward or Team Jacob?Pink or Purple?Good guy-friend or Boyfriend?To sleep or stay awake?Face the truth or Run away?Letters or E-mail?Ellen or Tyra Banks?Bows or Sashes?To listen to someone else's heartbeat or to feel yours thudding in your chest?To hide or be visible?Best friend or Diary?i-Pod or Walkman?Coffee or Milkshake?Subway trains or Indian trains?Shoes or Haircuts?Chick Flick or Horror Movies?A cozy wooden room or Room with metallic touches?To hug or to be hugged?Mustang or Cruiser?Sunday afternoons or Friday nights?Prince Charming or Shrek?Glittering sand or Water?Country or Rock?To speak out or Just Shut up?First Impression or Last?To wait around or Move on?To climb up the black hole by yourself or Wait for someone to come and get you?To cry when you watch sad movies or Make fun of the others who cried?To confess or bottle it up?To stay strong or Break down?To stay safe or Take chances?Singledom or Commitment?Hollywood or NYC?Bombay or Bangalore?To be far away or jsut a block away?Black or white?The good guy or Bad guy?Old friends or New?To cling on or Let go?The mall or Facebook?;)

So much for that.

I'm so sick of being at this spot.All over again.
Why do I have this knack for doing precisely the WRONG thing?
Why God why?
People who say they have no regrets in life are liars.Every one of them.I have lost count of the many regrets I have lived upto.I don't think they've made me stronger in any way and the 'person-I-am-today' kinda bull-crap.They've left me angry,depressed and vulnerable.I still carry those thoughts everyday like a stain on my favorite pair of jeans that will never get removed.And it hurts,tremendously.



oh by the way,I finished reading the Princess Diaries.Mia finally gets back with Michael-YAY!It was a perfect finish to the series(but I am still incredibly sad that there's not gonna be another book from the series because this series was like life support to me.Every single drama of Mia's life was mirrored in my own little world-freaky!-Meg should have kept on writing these books forever)and I now have a new life motto,taken from the series.:

Life isn't a romance novel.The truth is,the reason why romance novels sell so well-the reason why everyone loves them is because no one's life is actually like that.Everyone wants their life to be like that.
But no one's life really is.


Alright Picture this : a beautiful maiden sits on a rock with a view of the sea kissing sky,her lustrous locks gently blowing in the fresh sea breeze and then he comes.He with his,chiseled chest and moving shoulder blades,strides towards her while the sun glistens on his copper-tinted curls.His eyes radiate a light from within and sets her heart ablaze.They fall madly in love with each other...Then what?Story ends.We know no more..Here's another a picture:an old couple on a rusty old bench who finds pleasure in just being with each other,holding hands.It might be raining and they probably have one scrawny umbrella.But they're smiling like none of that matters.It probably didn't happen overnight and sure as well happen didn't instantly,but its better.Why?Because,its real.

Direction

In my soul searching struggle for self realization and all that crap,I just dawned upon me that I've been doing it all wrong.Somewhere,I got de-railed and didn't even know. I've been spending time with myself, alone, trying to come up with answers that just weren't there because I was alone.I was just too blind to see that most of my problems actually stemmed from me being alone.I'm much more of a people person that I thought I was.I've always thought that I was one of those people that could spend hours upon days upon weeks by myself, without taking a break and hanging out with my friends and the people I care about. I've come to realize that this is why in some of my darkest hours I couldn't console or fix myself; because I was going about it alone. I never asked for help. I never called up anyone just to hang out or chat about something, to take my mind off of how low I was feeling.i didn't realize that what i was feeling at those times was even loneliness. I just thought there was something wrong with me and I didn't want to bother the people around me with my problems. Now I know that my friends and family are there for me, they want to help me in my hours of need. They don't want me to be lonely if they can do anything about it. Until now, I had never realized that the people i love are way more important to my sanity than i had ever thought possible and now I know I've been taking them for granted entirely too much. Well, never again.

I think I now have a glimpse of what I was looking for all along.Well,atleast the right direction.

Look Everybody,I'm turning into Garfield!

Wow.I am pretty darn shocked by how extremely lethargic I've become over the past 5 days.I haven't used Facebook yet because last night I accidentally clicked on LOG OUT,which means that Facebook no longer remembers my ID and password ,so now I have to type in all that ALL OVER AGAIN.Ugh.Too much work.
Then again.these days don't come everyday.Might as well make the lethargic best of it.:)
Yeah.So,I've been reading the 10Th installment to the Princess Diaries.Its supposed to be the last and final book of the series.I'm going to miss it so much.These books are so much fun.You don't even have to think while reading them.Reading it just makes me happy.I'm really hoping Mia gets back together with Michael in the end because I'm really not liking this J.P guy.Its also kinda freaky how Mia Thermopolis is sooo much like me.She is this awkward teen with a fierce love to write and make a difference.Self-esteem runs pretty low in her.She lies pretty much like all the time.Not big lies but tiny white lies which she knows she shouldn't indulge in but still she has to,to prevent people from getting hurt.So me.And she's also scared that one day all her white lies are going to backfire at her.She seriously needs to know how to act fast and say the right things.But even though she may be whining about princess lessons and her rude(yet comical) grandmother,she would do anything for the dying seals in the Arctic.(the same way I would for the dying dogs in Korea).And oh yeah,she likes making lists too!!!SEE?Our similarities are uncanny.
I wish my daddy would buy the band,Lifehouse,for me.HAha.SO,they could sing me to sleep evryday.sigh.The lead singer is so cool.He has this raw coolness radiating from within.I like those people who are unconventionally cool or who don't have to try hard to be cool.aah.Time for a list again!!SO,here's Swathi Ray's(yeah.right.like I'll tell you what my real second name is!) list of Unconventionally Cool People.

• Mia Thermopolis
• Rahul Bose
• My dad
• Will Smith
• Barack Obama
• Albus Dumbledore
• Meg Cabot
• Afrolica(ha ha)
• Imran Khan
• Priyanka Chopra
• Tyra Banks
• Nazneen Ali
• Athmaja Murali
• Chris Daughtry
• That guy on this show I don't know the name of
• Jacob Black(aaaaaaah!)
• Amanda Bynes
• Bono
• Ron Weasley
• Salim Malik(Jamal's brother in Slumdog millionaire)
• Sonam Kapoor

Its even cooler when they don't know how cool they are.I like them more.Yeah,I know,some of the above mentioned are actually fictional characters but who they are makes me love them for what they are!Did your brain just turn to goo there?Sorry.

:)