Go to Sleep.

UGH.
They should offer PhD's to people for Ruining-Someone's Perfect-Day.Why cant you jsut let me be happy?WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU,YOU SADISTIC PLATYPUS-MOUTHED MISERABLE RAT FACE.
*BREATHES IN*
*breathes out*
Ok.I'm calm.

Its just that I was content the whole day(which is something I haven't been feeling for a long time)n BAM.I'm not anymore.

I feel an odd sense of frustration and desperation suddenly.I thought I was ready to forgive and forget and be a friend.But clearly,I'm not.I'm not ready and I dont know why.Something has been switched indefinitely off inside meI feel very irritated and MAD AT THE WHOLE STUPID WORLD.

alter-ego:SWATHI,stop being such a baby and shut up.
Swathi:What do you know?you're stupid.you aren't even real.U jsut think you're so cool being called an alter ego and all.GO AWAY.AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE'S EGO TO ALTER.
alter-ego: But Swathi..I..
Swathi:SHUT UP.SHUT UP.SHUT UP.
alter-ego:seriously,you need to grow up and act like..
SWATHI:(Jumps on the couch).LAlalalalala.I CANT HEAR YOU.


OH WELL,NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF HATE.Presently,I hate everything around me so much that hate couldn't hate itself any worse.SO,who cares if its 30 minutes past midnight.I'm going to make a list of the things i hate.(yeah,the whole world..but lets just stick to particulars now)

1.I hate the color Yellow.This color forces me to be happy when I'm not.Its an elastic feeling.you know,the kinda feeling you get when u put on a pair of undies that are a size too small-how the elastic stretches way too much to make you fit and finally you get these itchy marks.
2.I hate it when people are right about my life more than I would like to admit.
3.I hate the fact that there are KIDS on my face-book friend list.Don't they have anything better to do?like play with barbies or with action figures?(i mention this because my cousin who is a year younger than me beeped me asking what I was doing online so late.Seriously,kid,What is your problem?)
4.I hate silver linings.They're always too thin.
5.I hate LOL..Yes,I use it but still,i Hate it..I think its being thrown around for all the wrong reasons.People don't really care if the context is funny or not.Its become like a full stop or an exclamation mark(!) after a every sentence.
for instance:i got this pink handbag.LOL
you wont believe it.like my boyfriend just dumped me.LOL
my cat just died of cancer.LOL
6. I hate it when parents put their kids over the phone.Especially kids who haven't developed enough to say more than 3 words.
7.I hate silence.Quiet is nice.Quiet is peaceful.Silence is the OFF button.Silence means there's just vacuum.
8.I hate people who think they all know about English songs just by listening to Backstreet boys and Britney Spears.(OH..PUH-LEAASE..)
9.I hate Lola Kutty.I cant wait to see her in real life and kidnap her and threaten to kill her and her stupid glittery-shirt-wearing assistant-Alex ,unless she announces to the whole world on her show that malayalees are cool.
10.I hate real life. why can't it be more like the movies?I want background music.
11.I hate when people ask me uncomfortable question.because I'll only end up lying.
12.I hate the fact that i keep changing the person I am like ever so often.NO,its not called a mood swing.Its more of a personality-swing.
13.I hate making people feel left out.
14.I hate the fact that i hate making people feel left out.I wish I could be just plain rude.
15.I hate the boy who called me ugly when I was seven.
16.I hate that I might start not-hating all of this tomorrow.
17.I hate China.
18.I hate how you make me so obsessed.

.wow.I feel so much better now.
time to hit the sheets now
Good Night.


P.S : I cannot believe I haven't told you about my alter ego.Well,her name's Jade Grey.
She's everything that I'm not and has a big attitude problem.

P.P.S: STOP PICTURING ME WEARING TIGHT UNDERWEAR!
:P

I always want what i can't have.
I know, cliche of the century. the only way to really describe how I feel, and everyone else on the planet thinks the same way.

And it sucks when you work every fibre in you to get something and they just get snatched away from you by people who don't even lift a finger.

I think it's sad that some people fade from view because they want to. They blend in because they don't want to stand out or because they're too lazy to be different. People who are naturally wallflowers, though, like I am, can't understand why anyone would choose this lifestyle. Those who do rock the spotlight can't understand how hard it is to break free from the wall. I bet they don't realize how lonely a spot on that wall is.

WHAT DID I DO?

so yeah.I kinda had a clumsy moment and messed my blog up.i don't have time to set things to straight.I know..MY BLOG IS ALL PURPLE AND WEIRD...I have no idea how it got that way.OH yeah.I did it.How?I dont know.
so,invisible blog-reading people(or nobody reading my blog)I'll un-we'rd my blog soon.
You have no idea how stupid I feel writing this.Its not like u care that my blog's all purple.
WHAT?


yeah..and thumbelina married tom thumb and they lived happily ever after..well..until they had a baby..a malfuntion occured.And instead of the baby being thumb-sized(like its parents) became ORGRE-SIZED.AND IT ATE ITS PARENTS.IMAGINE EATING YOUR PARENTS.:O
...
umm..again,what?

Ship.

so i have a ship. a ship that has not yet sailed. and on board this ship are all my "want to please everyone's," my "want everyone to like me's," and my "want to spare everyone else's feelings-s."this ship is about to set sail. and i can't tell you how relieved i am to be steering it away from shore.

Facing the music.

I think one of the most difficult things to do is to face your fear. For me, it's always been the same, scared of meeting people, of speaking publicly and of not being successful in what I set out to do. And much of it stems from feeling inadequate at times. And well, facing one's fear has a thrill about it yet you need that final push. Like I really wanna bungee-jump off a cliff someday but someone needs to push me(which is,by the way,on my list of 100 things to do). I might be all geared up in the suit and everything but I need that motivation, the belief that I can go on, do it and mostly, by myself. It's only then when you feel a sense of deep satisfaction.
Its funny how the smallest of things can actually make you think...inspire you..I shamelessly admit that a Hannah Montana song made me feel motivated.."...Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb..."..And the other day,I drew this crayon drawing and I'm impressed!crayons make me happy!Photos on Flickr inspire me.(no,photography is not my thing..I'm camera-illiterate!)
I want to go out there and get it..Not just do something because everybody else is doing it.And I want to show people especially those who didn't/don't believe in me that I can do it too.I will not forget anybody who think I cannot make it.One day,I'll say it right there,Here I am,IN your face-At the pinnacle of self-actualization!I'm sure you have felt that competition too, to show people that you can be the darned best as well. It's not easy but it's definitely not that hard...
So,that's what I want..to prove people wrong and let them know that this girl has 'stuff'.I want to do something which makes me happy and work my butt off for it.That'll be the drive to push me forward when I know I'm doing something I love.
:)
Hey, hold on to your dreams, never throw them away.....you know you can make them come true.

Life's a climb..But,baby,the view's amazing~~

Approval.

Alright,from all my blogs you probably think I'm this big grouch who hates fun.Just so you know,I'm not one.I'm pretty much the funnest person(=D) I know and I know how to have a good time..its just that when I'm by myself,I get lost with all the negative radiation.I would never tell you,in real life,that I'm having a bad day and I that I want to die.OK,I would say that to a few people..but for the most part,my blog does all the whining.
So,I"l try not to sound too whiny in this one.Things aren't getting any better.But I'm learning to live with it.I'm finally letting go of my holidays.Yeah,its about time I did.They're not coming back and there's nothing I can do about it.But,what I really want right now is for the next 2 years to just go by as soon as possible and then I'll write a blog about how I just loathe school.Honestly,I wouldn't be able to tell you why I hate school.Its just that I decided I wouldn't like school and that is it.Even if its fun,I will stick to my high-nosed opinion that it sucks.Because that's just me..I just remembered..This post isn't supposed to be whiny.NO more whining from here.:)
..Anyhoo,my cousin asked me yesterday how many times I get called pretty??Nothings made me feel that awkward in a long time.Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled endlessly with the way I look."I'm too chunky.my hair is weird.u can actually play join-the-dots with my zits.My hands look mutated.I wish my nose wasn't so bubble-like...."all are sentences I've muttered some point or another in my lifetime,along with many others.When my cousin asked me,I thought back.And at first, I only thought of the old ladies or my parents' friends who would always tell me something to the effect of "what a beautiful young lady you are/are becoming." But then,I'm not exactly mirror cracking material and I do get compliments often.And I came to this conclusion:I just can't take a compliment. Anytime anyone says something complimentary to me, I blush a little and quickly change the subject.I don't deny them, but I don't thank them either.I simply brush it off as if it was never said.
Which led me to realize something else:so long,I haven't been seeking the approval of others on my looks.If I had,the first old lady to tell me I look beautiful or boy to tell me I had a cute smile would've secured my self-confidence and my feelings about the way I look.Instead,I've been trying to secure my own approval.I've been trying to convince myself that I am not an ugly person.I'm my own worst critic, and I've begun to realize this just now.
I can actually picture different people reading this and their faces.I can see my brother with an uninterested expression.
ME:Chet,do you think I'm pretty?
Him(my brother):No
Me:That's rude
Him:yeah,I know..
This conversation happens every time my brother and I start talking!
And then,I see Polka thinking-WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT LOOKS??..:P
As conceited and shallow as this blog sounded, i think it was what i needed. because, how can i begin to love myself as much as i know i deserve, if I can't even accept the fact that I'm beautiful the way i am?